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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington features a playful bilingual show and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Notably missing from the advertised schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only affair. Officials appear determined to prevent any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory ceremony where highly compensated dignitaries will doubtlessly repeat the old platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Hosting Team

This glitzy ceremony is set to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron star Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will preside over a ceremony that will undoubtedly have English football fans of a certain age longing for the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Slated to last almost three grueling hours, the event will feature a seemingly endless playlist of speechifying, saccharine highlight reels, pre-vetted jokes, celebrity guests, performances from acts with perhaps little shame or financial motivations, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Detail

Among those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, untapped reservoir of charisma possessed by these veteran sporting legends, barring an uniformed security team storming the event, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an obsequious English yes-man is any sort of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's jamboree and six more due to join, there will be a real air of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. But as fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will play in the initial phase, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which comes before the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the US, guesses about the winner are widespread, even if the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team in the midst of a five-match losing streak, providing a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"